Why Women Need The Friend Zone: A Response to "Why Men and Women Can Never Be 'Just Friends.'"

There's this article going around the internet called Why Men and Women Can Never Be 'Just Friends.' As someone who has a lot of male friends herself, I'd scroll past it and roll my eyes. Personally, I'm kind of exhausted with the amount of ink spilled over dating, and I say that as a 20-year-old woman who wants to get married young. But again and again it appeared,


I finally clicked it to read it with an open mind.

My mind kinda closed by the end of it.


The author insinuates that in order to save America (I exaggerate a little with that, but I see his point), we need to get married younger and start having more kids in Christian circles. Amen, brother. I agree.

But then he suggests that the reason this isn't happening is because of the Friend Zone, that girls shouldn't have any guy friends, and that guys are incapable of being friends with girls without wanting to impregnate them.

I stared at the screen. Who burned your ego? I wondered. Unfair and assuming, to be sure, but maybe let me add my two cents as a young woman.

We live in an era where most men are boys. Note I said most. I recognize this is not always the case. For more on that, go read my last post, God's Young Warriors.  But guys who think friendship is all and only video games and fart jokes, sorry not sorry, fall into that category of bearded boyhood, especially in the eye of a young woman taught to admire Aragorn, Mr. Darcy, WWII veterans, etc. Guys who can't see girls as sisters also fall into that category of bearded boyhood. Might want to check yourself, Mr. Fiene.


Adding to the fact that young women are taught to look for good godly men, remember that her daddy or pastor or both, as well as her mama, has emblazoned in her mind that she needs to be really careful with who she entrusts her purity, marriage, and safety with. Really, really careful. This is the era of porn, Ashley Madison scandals, soap opera affairs, unclear sexuality, frequent divorce and abuse, etc. Enter what perverseness you want in the blank. If a girl asks for space or to get to know you better, it's because love at first sight isn't safe anymore for young women (not that it ever was, but definitely not now). The friend zone is sometimes a safe place to be for a girl to get to know the men around her. I hate using the words "Don't judge," but in this case, don't.

Additionally, if you want to take her out on a date so badly, do it. Just. Do. It (enter Nike symbol). Bit of a soap box here, but I've had over-twenties dudes come to me crying over friends of mine and picking she-loves-me daisies verbally that I've had to push forward. Grow up and ask the girl out. NOT over text. Talk to her dad beforehand. Grab coffee. Put nice clothes on. Hold the door open. Look at her when she talks. Tell her she looks nice. Your intent is clear and she now knows it. If she's a good stand up Christian lady (like you should look to marry), she'll make it clear relatively shortly if she wants to maybe go somewhere or if she sees you just as a friend. But here's what she's going to be looking at:

Are you mature?

Are you church going?

Are you able to bring in enough of a paycheck to support all those babies you want to have? Or are you sitting around pursuing only your hobbies instead of a paying job that will feed and clothe her?

Are you actually interested in her for who she is or are you just desperate and lonely or hormonal?

And, over time, will you actually love her?

Girls want to be wooed and won. We are not grab and go. And if you're not going to ask us out and make an effort because you feel entitled to marriage or are too afraid, you honestly can stay in the friend zone. Harsh, maybe, but we have to protect ourselves some, and we're not supposed to break the ice first as a general (note I said general) rule.

And if she says no, if she says she just wants to be friends, well, brother, I am sorry, but no means no. It is your fault, not hers, if you let your heart stay caught up with her even after she's made herself clear, and if she's playing games, it's up to you to walk off. Yes, I highly encourage you to have a follow up conversation. Yes, there's nothing wrong with hoping. But there is a problem with expecting her to change her mind. And yes, some men take no as an answer. I know from personal experience with a few guys I friend zoned in high school and early college.

That said, friendship between young men and women in a group setting, especially a church setting, is a good thing. Some guys actually want good conversation with their honorary sisters, some want good wing women, some want additional ultimate frisbee teammates, some want to know their girlfriend's friends, etc. To claim that all situations where men and women want to be friends is actually romantic interest is an awfully broad stroke.

Additionally, I would blame other things on the delay of marriage, though every case is different. These would include finances, immaturity, parental expectations, school, among other things.

If there's anything I do agree with in this article, "hanging out"  or only conversing over social media is not a healthy way to get to know someone, and that we should be looking for ways to allow and help people to marry younger for the sake of the growth of the church, for the sake of purity, and for their sakes in general.

That said, don't diss the Friend Zone. There's a reason it's there. If you get put into it, maybe consider if God is calling you elsewhere, which will end up being a great thing.