17 Ways Guys Can Be Better Friends to Girls

Me and sisters Alyssa and Mikaela with our friend Chris 

Shortly after I posted my 18 Ways You Can Be a Better Friend to Guys post, my guy friends who helped me write it hinted I should write a follow-up for them on how they could be a better friend to girls.

"Girls are so complicated," they all agreed. And it's true, we are. As I said in my last post, girls are the complicated ones. There's nothing wrong with that. We're just wired differently! But that means I need to tack a disclaimer here: the suggestions below don't necessarily apply to all girls in the same levels. For example, I'm very unlikely to play mind games with guys or give silent treatment, however, I often overanalyze everything like most girls. That said, here's my two cents on how guys can be better friends to girls, girl approved!


1. Make It Very Clear Where Your Relationship is At

Many a girl, including myself at one time, has misinterpreted the well-intended kindness of a guy to be romantic interest. If the girl likes you, you'll make it worse for her and her emotional state if you don't gently establish you are just friends/tell her your interest is elsewhere and continue to pay a lot of attention to her. If she only wants to be friends and interprets your kindness as interest, she may panic and retreat socially, afraid to ruin the friendship you have. Unless she isn't picking up gentler signals, you don't need to sit her down and say, "We're just friends, you got that?" Instead, refer to her as a sister or as a friend. You may be unintentionally leading her on if you don't establish where you're at on the relationship spectrum. Many a girl has come to me brokenhearted or at least terribly confused when a guy who was extraordinarily nice to them in a way they and their friends interpreted as interest suddenly announces a relationship with someone else.

2. If She's Upset, Don't Necessarily Try to Help in the Way You Want To

In my last post, I encouraged girls to allow you guys to help fix their problems, because that's what you are wired to do. Y'all are problem solvers, and that is awesome. But almost all girls really just want you to listen to them and offer (always offer, don't just take liberties) them a hug when they are upset. Don't get angry with them when they shoot down your suggestions to fix things or shove off your advice. They'll probably end up using it later. For now in the heat of emotion, just be there for her. Guys try to extinguish fires, but sometimes a girl just wants someone to burn alongside her.

3. How You Treat Her Now Will Influence How She Treats You Later

You ever say hi to one of your female friends and get blown off? And then you ask what's wrong and she says something along the lines of, "Oh, you know what." I know, it's annoying, but I can probably tell you what happened: you said something last time you interacted that she took the wrong way, it's built up since then, and it's boiling over now. Even if she won't tell you what the heck she's mad at you for, offer to hear her out (actually listen), offer an apology, ask her if she's had an off day. Never ask her if she's hormonal or dismiss her emotion as "girly." That is honestly the stupidest thing you can do, even if she's mad at you for something petty. Be gentle and roll with things.

4. If She Asks for Advice or Criticism, Always Give It in The Positive 


Oh, the dreaded "Does this dress make me look fat?" question and all of its cousins. "Trap questions," my one best guy friend calls them. Well, here's the best way to prevent her from blowing up and you from face palming your hand through your head for your answer: give advice and criticism in the positive. If she asks you if you like something and you don't, don't say, "I don't like that. It's ugly/unattractive." Offer an alternative. "Do you like my hair up?" "I like it down, to be honest. It compliments your face."  It takes some work to be a master at this, but it's worth it.

5. Compliment Her

My friend Jarrett, who easily gained brother status 

If you've gotten past #1, you're golden here. I wore a new dress the other day for my birthday, and honestly it made my day when a number of my honorary brothers complimented it. Girls will often return the favor and compliment you. It's part of their social wiring. You've probably noticed girls when they pass each other. "Hey, so and so! How are you?" "Good, and you?" "Good, I love your earrings!" "Aw, thank you! I love your shoes, they are so cute!" I'm not saying you have to constantly find something nice to say about her clothes or makeup, but compliments are a part of the way girls interact. Don't be afraid to throw a chill compliment out occasionally. I don't know about all girls, but for me personally, I appreciate my guy friends' opinions on the way I dress and carry myself.

6. Save the Fart Jokes

A lot of girls are annoyed if you joke about bodily functions around them and will look down on you for it. Even if they don't mind, it's rather tasteless and classless and not necessary.

7. Appreciate Their Hobbies

A lot of guys get excited when a girl gets equally excited over their favorite sport or their interest in cars or whatever hobby they are into. This works both ways. Don't be afraid to show interest in their hobbies or at least appreciation for them, especially if they enjoy cooking. As sexist as it sounds, most girls who like to cook love when a guy gets excited over their food. But never, ever bash their hobbies. This can shatter a girl when a guy makes fun of something they like. If you tease them a little for getting over-excited, that's fine, but never bust on what they're passionate about. Instead, connect through shared hobbies. Girls connect best with each other and in general through shared interests. If you and your friend can talk shop, you're in a good place for strengthening your friendship.

8. If You Let Her Pick What You're Going to Do for Fun, Don't Complain About It

This goes for couples, too. Often guys will let girls pick what they want to do when they hang out, and after patiently putting up with the girl's indecisiveness ("I want this. Nah, actually, I want this. No, never mind, I don't want that."), complain about her choice after it's been chosen, whether in the moment or the next day. Don't complain, mister. You let her pick.

9. Don't Intrude on Her Time with Her Girlfriends

If she's hanging with all girls, wait to be invited. She may not mind if you crash the party, but her girlfriends probably will.  Especially don't do this if you like one of said friends. They will all read you like a book. In fact, if she has to turn down hanging with you because she's already agreed to girl time, encourage it. Someday, when you're married, your wife will need your encouragement to go hang out with her fellow ladies. Even now, just with your female friends, they'll feel somewhat guilty for turning you down in favor for their girlfriends and need your assurance that you think that's great, even if you're disappointed. But if the group of girls invites you to join them and insists, by all means, join them, and feel flattered that they trust you and enjoy your company!

Girls often let their hair down more in large group settings once they're comfortable

10. Hang in Groups

It's better to hang in groups with girls and guys. Too much one on one can screw up #1 sometimes.

11. Be a Gentleman

Open the door for her. At least offer to pay if you go somewhere for fun. Ask how she's doing. If you're at a dance, ask her to dance. Introduce her to your friends at events. This isn't dating. It's just plain old-fashioned chivalry that this perverse world needs. You are setting a bar for her in what she looks for in her future spouse, are being kind, and are being a man. Once upon a time, friends could go on dates just for kicks without commitment or without the romance. It wasn't hookup or playing. It was merely fun formality. Our culture isn't exactly suitable for this method these days, however, you can at least somewhat act out on it by being chivalrous to your female friends.

12. Build Up Trust and Keep It

Broken trust breaks friendships. Stay true to your word with your female friends, whether that means showing up when you said you would to her party, or in telling her the truth about your other friendships or relationship or opinions on a given topic. Girls sniff out dishonesty quickly. To quote Han Solo in The Force Awakens, "Women always find out the truth." If you've lied to your female friend, even to try to keep her happy (she'll never buy that excuse, just saying), and she finds out (she will), you can kiss your friendship good-bye, at least for a good while.

13. Be Willing to Play Wingman

It's the best thing in the world for a girl when she can ask guy friends if another guy who asked her out is a good guy, or when she can trust them to back her up or defend her when another guy crosses a line with her, she can't get the message across to him, and she doesn't have her dad or brothers around to help. You don't need to be overly protective of her, but it's nice to know, as a girl, that you've got your guy friends to look out for you.

14. Talk Deep 

There's seems to be this idea among guys my age that girls don't want to talk about deeper topics. Some were surprised when I was able to discuss theology with them, or that I had thought-out opinions on historical events. "You're really different. You, like, think," one once said to me. I smiled tightly at him. All girls think, guys, and they think deeply. To be granted, some don't want to delve too much, but a lot of girls appreciate it when guy friends discuss deeper topics, whether theological, political, personal, or academical. Sometimes you just need to initiate deeper conversation. When she expresses her opinion, don't smash it outright if you disagree or tell her she's wrong. That will make her mad and she will usually perceive it as an attack. If you disagree, use words like, "Personally, I think... but that's just my opinion."

My sister and my friends Jonah and Prarie, talking about trucks

15. Don't Randomly Change the Topic to Something Focused on You 

I see this a lot. Or hear, rather. Girls in a group do tend to jump topics as opposed to talk about one thing at a time, but I can promise you that somehow all of the topics are related. If you tune out (a girl who can respect that you tune out sometimes is a gem of a friend), start thinking about what's wrong with your car or what you should apply for as far as summer work, and when silence falls make a random comment about it in a self-centered way, even if you don't mean it that way, don't be shocked when you get annoyed looks. I'm sure you get annoyed how girls run all over the place in the conversation. They get just as annoyed when you trainwreck it to talk about yourself, especially if they are having a deep or emotional or a deep and emotional conversation, or even worse, if they've just been pouring out a part of themselves to you. They'll interpret this as you caring more about your broken car than about what mean thing their coworker said to them, and therefore, caring more about yourself than about them to some degree.

16. Make Them Smile

A girl likes a guy who makes her smile as much as a guy likes a girl who laughs with him. Thoughtfulness goes a long, long way with girls, whether you are just friends or are stepping out beyond that. I have one friend on campus who has a borderline magic way of making everyone smile no matter how upset they are, and the girls who are friends with him constantly comment on how great he is for his cheerfulness and how he knows how to turn it down and listen if needed. Guys who can bring sunshine to a girl's cloudy day are much appreciated.

17. Pray for Them

It's tough being a girl in today's world. The culture has about 500 different wrong messages for us, whether feminism or misogyny, shaming or pride masked as empowerment, over-submission or rebellion, and we need and appreciate your prayers and knowing that you pray for us is probably the greatest encouragement you can offer.


In short, be patient and encouraging to the young ladies in your life, and treat them as such. Girls value good guy friends. Strive to be one.