Dear Wannabe Future Mother-in-Laws

*Author's note* This post is lovingly but bluntly intended for ladies in the more conservative circles who generally have a preference for courtship when it comes to their children's relationships, which is perfectly fine and good, but this post is addressing some concerns I have about the social treatment of the girls you want your teenage sons to marry (who your sons may or may not have interest in) based on my experience as a teenager, from the perspective of High School Me. 


Dear wannabe future mother-in-laws who are mothers of high school and college-aged sons,


First of all, I want to thank you for raising godly young men who show interest in me and my girlfriends. I know that's not easy and I know your investment has worked out for the best. But I'd like a little, I don't know, breathing room? You probably don't notice the agony in my eyes sometimes as I try to figure out a way to leave our conversation. I respect you too much to say anything in person or even make a hint in response to what bothers me and my girlfriends. So I'm writing it here. Maybe it applies to you, maybe it doesn't, but please, maybe take it into consideration, with love from a younger sister-in-Christ who may or may not be interested in your son?


1. My mother is perfectly capable of being my mother without your well-intended assistance 

You telling me right now the proper methods to breastfeed are making me uncomfortable for a number of reasons. One, I'm still in high school and my family is not super into the idea of me marrying before I can legally vote, so breastfeeding is not something on my mind right now. Second, that's a conversation between me and my mother. My mother is perfectly capable of being my mother by herself. It's not like the wonderful girl you think I am (which I'm really not, sorry, you just see once a week homeschool event/church me) just randomly grew up the way she did. My mother really did raise me with the help of my dad and maybe with the help of advice that she asked for. What I see that you do not see is my mom in the background watching you talk to me, rolling her eyes. She appreciates that you want to help, but you are not my mom. Even if I do marry your son, you will still not be my mom. You will be my mother-in-law, which is a lovely position, but right now you are not, and I really would rather not talk about motherhood. I'm not just your future grandchild incubator. Which leads to my next request...

2. Please stop looking at me like a baby machine and telling me how to be a baby machine

I know I'm skinny. So what that I don't have good hips for childbirth and my sister does? That's not exactly helpful or necessary for me or anyone around us to hear. Also, sorry, but I'm not into your natural homebirth ideas because that's just not for me. My mother used an epidural and I survived. And just because she has fewer kids than you doesn't mean she's less qualified to talk to me about these things.

Look, I appreciate that you care, I do, but please maybe care in a way other than nosing into a highschooler's reproductive business? When it is time for me, if the Lord will's it, to have children, all those decisions will be between me and my husband (who may or may not be your son), and not you. It's my baby, and not yours.

Which, by the way, I'm not planning on having any babies right now. And the fact that you think I'm going to have your son's and you're hinting at that is not really endearing, it's actually kind of creepy. I really don't want him to sit next to me at the church luncheon now because whenever I look at him all I'm going to hear is your voice telling me I have bad birthing hips, thanks.


3. Please don't force your son to compliment me

"So and so! Isn't she pretty today?"
"Um. Uh."

Your son is currently apologizing to me with his eyes.

"Oh, she always looks lovely."
"Whatever you say, Mom."

It doesn't help that you probably taught him that thinking a girl was pretty isn't guarding his heart and is lusting after her. Forcing a compliment toward me out of your son does not convince me we are meant to be each other's soulmates.

4. Please don't compare me to you and your son to your husband

It is easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle than for you to force your love story to have parallels to our nonexistent one. I think it's wonderful that you and your husband have such a great relationship. It's a blessing from God. It's just that your son and I do not have that kind of relationship right now and may not ever. It's too early to tell and there's not enough material for you make such parallels.

5. Please don't tell me "You'll change your mind" or "You'll work it out" when I disagree with you or with your son on big topics

No, the fact is that I am not going to change my differing theology/differing ideas about how to raise children/differing plans for my future to balance the yoke between myself and your son to make you happy or to make the idea of marriage between myself and your son more realistic. And when you ask "Would you be willing to submit to XYZ?" the response on the tip of my tongue that I never say is, "Submit to you or submit to him?"

6. Just because I can't bring myself to butcher chickens/I occasionally use box mix/I'd rather use a prescription than essential oils/just am less crunchy in general and am more conventional does not mean you are more of a woman and have permission to take me under your wing and change the way I was raised or the decisions I and my parents have made for my best interest. 

Because I'm probably not going to listen anyway, I'm sorry.


All of that said, I'm sorry if I come across harsh, but as liberal as this may sound (and trust me, I am by no means a feminist), I'm not an object to be shaped to your liking or to be bartered for to continue your ideas of what a family should be like. Please just give me time to get to know your son as a friend. Handsome Christian boys and pretty Christian girls can be friends without a romantic relationship, really, and we kind of need to be friends on our own terms before we can establish any mutual interest, much less think about marriage.

That said, I want to make a shoutout to all of the moms of my guy friends who allow us to be friends or even be interested in each other without feeling the need to come in and control me and my girlfriends and our life decisions. The moms who tease sometimes but at the same time who support my own parents' parenting decisions, the moms who encourage their sons to open doors and who don't pursue girls for them, the moms who talk to my mom about motherhood topics as opposed to me and praise her for raising me the way she did, the chill moms who don't put any pressure other than to be godly, these are the moms who I can see as possible future mother-in-laws. Thank you for being wonderful.